Author: Tri Nguyen

Now upon a time in a land far, far away from the heavenly lights of America’s glamorous attractions, there exists a beautiful princess named Xionarra. She is the fairest in the land, holding the title the Most Attractive Female in her senior class, and is now awaiting the school bell to play its lovely BEEP of freedom. Her school, the BHS Castle, holds the most gifted students of Bayōna. These individuals are trained daily in the arts of listening, copying homework, memorizing facts, and, only occasionally, going the extra mile to produce breathtaking gainful works of study. However, today is like no other. Instead of being enchanted from its magical walls, Princess Xionarra fights the temptation to escape through its side doors during the 4-minute breaks to meet her arriving prince.

Finally, the bell rings and she runs through its doors and continues on to the 22^nd Street Lightrail Station. As her feet scurry through the streets, the Transit Carriage moves its way down from the 45^th Street Lightrail Station. She would have to use her last Sweet-Enough-to-Kill-You Twinkie if she wishes to catch her prince on time. Just the thought of being in his arms brings vigor to her steps. She decides to save the Twinkie, but then, as she nears the station, reconsiders and gives in to the craving for its luscious sweets, and reaches into her bag to take it out and eat it.

She makes it just in time as the carriage makes its way to the last stop. Its magic doors open without anyone touching it, and the prince steps out to take Xionarra in his muscular, toned arms of machoness.

Her lips then squeeze out lovely words as she swallows the last piece of her little snack, “Oh, Tri!”

The prince responds with the deepest and manliest voice in all of Bayōna, “Ooh, Baybeh… I miss you… too. Give daddeh… some sugar now.”

They embrace each other in 30-seconds of face slopping, until the prince, using his unrivaled ladies’-man powers, suggests that they go to Franks Cinema to catch a movie. Hypnotized by his beautiful eyes, the princess follows him back into the Transit Carriage, unaware of the terrible fate that awaits her, for she would spend the next three hours of her life watching a comic-book movie. Nonetheless, any time they have together is better than magically transporting text messages between their cell phones.

They get off at the 34^th Street Lightrail Station and make their way to the grand theatre. Then, using his stealthy ninja skills, the prince gets them in by sneaking in through the side doors. They could have easily walked through the front doors, but, this way, the prince can avoid buying movie tickets at the outrageous price of $8.75 twice.

Then, using the money saved by evading the dreadful movie-ticket-for-your-girlfriend-that-she-could-easily-pay-for-herself, he buys them a large combo of buttered popcorn and two cups of soda.

Throughout the movie, the prince notices how Princess Xionarra stuffs the popcorn into her mouth, not bothering to wipe the butter from the face. His four months away, studying Magic and Medicine at NYUwarts and maintaining the impossible 4.0 GPA, has shielded him from the harsh reality that his lovely princess of Downtown Bayōna has attained numerous rude habits. Thoughts of dumping her run across his mind, but his love for her allowed him to ignore that fact. Also, Spiderman 3 is incredibly good and it successfully distracts him from her loud munching.

As they exit the theatre, Princess Xionarra suggests that they go eat at Wendy’s Tavern. Obviously, he understands her cravings for comfort food- they had been separated for so long- and accepts her proposal.

They enter the tavern and are immediately greeted by old friends and family. The prince holds two seats by the window as he tells them about his adventure abroad, while Princess Xionarra orders the food. The insides of the tavern explodes with cheers of happiness, excitement, and admiration from the tales of the prince, until the princess returns with the food, and all else return to their respective tables.

Taking a good look at the food, the prince says, “Xionarra, you really have a problem with these unhealthy foods.”

Shocked and appalled by his sudden complaint, she responds, “I don’t have a problem. You do! You are so freaking vain and arrogant!”

The two have already begun fighting, so, taking the initiative and recovering the pants of the relationship, the prince takes control of the situation. He apologizes and does something amazing. Just as the story begins to read as if it lacks magic, the prince takes out his enchanted napkin and absorbs the evil fat and oil from their Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and Wendy’s Chicken Nuggets. Like magic, he does all that using just one 5 in. x 3 in. piece of folded napkin.

The princess shouts, “Wow! I usually use three napkins to take off that much fat and oil!”

This gathers the attention of the tavern’s chef and offends him so much that walks out of the kitchen and over to their table.

“You have a problem with my cooking there, huh? Pretty boy?”

The prince cleverly responds, “Yes. And thank you.”

“Oh yea? Xionarra here eats at my place everyday after she gets off school. You think you and your magic napkin can take her away from me?”

Confused, the prince asks, “What are you talking about? I just didn’t want her to eat all that fat and oil. It’s really unhealthy you know, she already had a Twinkie and a bucket of popcorn before this.”

“What’s wrong with that? I love Twinkies.”

“Aren’t they awesome?” the princess jumps in.

The chef laughs then takes out and gives her his Twinkie.

Witnessing this abomination, the prince gathers courage and says, “See? You can’t be doing that. She’s had enough junk food today.”

The chef then looks up and stares at the prince with his deep and dark eyes. “And yesterday, too,” he says, following it with a menacing laugh.

The prince’s jaw dropped and he realizes the root of his princess’s problems.

“You, MONSTER! How could you cast such a spell on her?!”

“That’s it!” The big brute loses his temper and challenges the prince to a duel on the infamous 1^st Street Tennis Court. The loser would have to leave Bayōna forever.

They get into the chef’s car and arrive at the court shortly afterward. He takes out his deadly black racket made with Wilson’s nanotechnology, while he hands the prince a mere badminton racket.

Before stepping onto the battlefield, the prince says a few words to his princess, “Xionarra, I do this for you! After this, please promise me you will live a much healthier life.”

“Oh, Tri!”

“I love you… and no matter what happens, I want you to go on, all right?”

“Oh, Tri!” she says, following it with sobs and sniffs.

“That’s enough!” the chef interrupts. Then, without warning, he serves the prince a fatal 140 mph serve. With no time to respond, the prince misses the ball. Ace: Chef 15; Tri 0.

The chef serves again, but misses the box, making it a bad serve. The prince takes the opportunity to taunt him. “Looks like you didn’t practice serving from that side huh?”

“Shut up!” the monster screams and swings at the ball, again missing it. Second Fault: Chef 15; Tri 15.

“Oh, Tri!”

The chef walks to his right and prepares to serve from his familiar spot. He throws the ball into the air, pulls back his racket, raises his elbow, and then-

“Whitey tummy!” the prince yells out at the sight of the chef’s stomach exposed under his raised shirt. As expected, the chef loses focus and hits the ball with a weak spike, allowing the prince to counter.

Off-balanced and not ready for such a quick return, the chef staggers and falls to the ground. Chef 15; Tri 30.

“Darn it! You spoiled my serve, you nincompoop!”

“You’re the fool!”

Humiliated, the chef picks up a ball and launches it straight at the prince. As if he had anticipated the cheap shot, the prince steps to the side and, with all the strength in his incredibly muscular arms, swings the badminton racket with such a force that it breaks into a million pieces as the ball is returned with an unstoppable topspin, burning all its neon green hairs in the process. The chef, not knowing what to do with the fireball heading his way, covers his face with the racket.

“Oh, Tri!”

The ball burns through the mortal-made strings, enters the monster’s jaw-dropped mouth, spins down to his insides, and explodes. Chef dead; Tri very nice.

The prince rushes to his lover’s side and holds her as they admire the beautiful firework before them. All is fixed and brought back to normal. Even the Twinkie that the chef gave the princess bursts open in her bag. Thanks to the amazing Prince Tri, he and Princess Xionarra would live happily ever after.